Changes

I find it interesting how often life changes. Be it through relationships, appearance or even perception, life is ever changing. The most recent changes in my life, however, have been some of the greatest things to happen to me this year.

It’s crazy how little you see when you are blinded by ignorance. I spent almost an entire year trying to renew something that was long overdue and I paid for it. I ignored the advice of my elders and paid mind to what I believed to be the “right” thing. Instead of acting through contemplative intelligence, I acted as a bull through a china shop, charging for everything I found to be beautiful. This, I now realize was bull-headed and in a selfless way, selfish. It took change for me to realize this.

This change helped to expose me to the true toxic that was being poured through my heart. Spending my time and pouring my soul into a fleeted memory that had long been distorted.

Being in a new relationship, one of compassion, accountability, honesty, and sincere care has exposed to me what I’ve been missing out on… A chance for me to grow and learn. I don’t have to spend so much time focusing on how to make us grow and I’m able to see what aspects of being a Christian I need to focus on growing in.

The buttterflies in my chest over this woman who follows Christ, seeks my attention as much as I seek hers, and challenges me to grow in my faith have been fluttering with such intense vigor that I can’t help but smile at the sheer thought of her. I’m happy. Genuinely happy. And I’m seeking Christ? Wow. That never happens to me.

Normally, I fall into the common habit that most Christians succumb to: seeking Christ when I feel that I need him. Currently though, I’m not in a situation where I feel weak and poor, but one that I feel empowered and able. And I’m still seeking out Christ.

I pray that this desire either doesn’t change (though I know it will because I am a flawed human) or that when I’m at other strong points, I remember this feeling and seek the Lord.

The End of a Great Year

So it’s done. My first year of college has officially ended. My roommate and I talked earlier about how we are neither happy, nor sad about this new freedom. I’ll miss the friends I’ve made here, the memories as a freshman, and the seniors and professors who are leaving. It’s all so surreal and I have no idea what I’m supposed to think.

My goals for next year are as follows- Complete a semester with a 4.0, establish a great name for our fraternity on campus, and demonstrate my leadership skills and Christian lifestyle in a stronger manner on campus. These are all a bit far-fetched… but on can dream right?

“I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried, I’ve had my fill: my share of losing.” I sang this today with a friend accompanying me on piano. Moments like that are what I’ll miss this summer. Moments like coming back to my room and praying with my roommate about our struggled. Moments like feeling like I have nothing, and then noticing all of the love I’m surrounded with on a daily basis. As much as I’ve been torn down this year, I’ve been built up as well.

It’s odd how I am starting to look to people like Job and Paul for guidance. Job: who had everything, lost it all, still loved God and was chastened through his transgressions, and then gained tenfold what he had before, and Paul: whose heart God changed so that he would be preaching the Gospel to the same people he used to persecute for proclaiming the same good news. I used to think John had it all figured out; Love one another. But I’ve realized that this won’t help me to help myself. Recognizing God’s sovereignty and power will.

This all said, goodbye freshman year. I win. 

It’s the good life

Lately, I’ve been much better. I’m very happy about where my life is at currently. I’m having a rough patch spiritually, but I’m working through it and I still remember to pray. I’m behind on my Bible reading sadly. In terms of my happiness though, I’m very satisfied. I’ve missed my rose dearly and she has been nothing but a blessing ever since I stumbled back into her arms. I’ll never let her go now that I have her back. I’m such a sap. Anyways, college is good. Finals are approaching but I’ll be able to make it through them. All I want is to go home and spend time with the people I love who I know what they think of me. Here, I sense that I’m not always accepted and it hurts, but I know that I’m loved infinitely by some so the opinions of the many aren’t measurable in that sense.

To those who read, know that life always changes more for the better than for the worse. Our only flaw as humans in this circumstance is that we tend to notice the bad significantly more than the good. And we dwell on it. Focus on one thing always: the love that is shown to you by the people who care most about you. That love is enough reason to keep on living. If you can impact one person, you’ll impact a million through the one. 

Progress

This is what progress looks like. As relapses still occur, I am still able to find the light at the end of the tunnel. The one rose in a bush of thorns. I’ve missed my rose. And to have her back is like the first snow of the season. My eyes are adjusting to the powerful light and sweet scenery of wintertime. The joy of the seasons are evident in the ever changing life in which I live. And I’m happy. Happy because through this turmoil, I found love. Love in God, love in family, and the love that never truly left me. My rose.

Not for the Happy

I hate the way my emotions are. one thing will, like a light switch, fluctuate in direction constantly throughout the day. Currently, I feel lower than I’ve felt for a long, long time- and it’s all because of the dreams I had last night.

Normally, my dreams are rough: suicide, being mauled, solitude, and dreams of neglect. For the past few weeks however, my mind gave me a slight break and I haven’t dreamed of anything that has influenced me negatively for a decent amount of time. Last night though… It still hurts. Some people I care about and hurt… They told me I would never be good enough. The looks in their eyes felt like my heart was cut straight from my chest. Later, another person I care for, neglected me. She told me how worthless I was. In another dream following this one, I killed myself. This time, from jumping from a ledge. The people I wanted to be there, weren’t there. I want to die.

Broken Free

I come from a family of thinkers. Bound by our limitations of mental instability, we were stuck in a cycle. One that repeated and gave us relapses of what society calls depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. I find myself now broken from that pitiful cycle. I overcame the weight of my own and my family’s burdens. I’m free. And this freedom only brings me more reason to praise the Father who held my hand through it all. We are never alone. Even as we stand facing a mirror and don’t recognize the sick image staring back at us, someone is waiting outside of our view: a bystander. Waiting for the right moment to step in and change our lives in a way that we never thought possible.